Triggered By Toilet Paper

What’s more soothing than a hot cup of herbal tea on a cold winter evening? I’ll tell you. Half a dozen cups of hot herbal tea. It’s heavenly, but it comes at a price. That price is half a dozen trips to the toilet, and a 2:00am meltdown.

Following last night’s final tea binge excretion, I ran out of toilet paper. Normally, I’d change the roll right away, but after some internal debate, I decided against it. The cat was in the bathroom with me at the time, and it was clear that he was looking to cause trouble. I knew, without a doubt, if I put a new roll on the dispenser, he’d have it all over the bathroom the second I left the room.

During the first few minutes I was back in bed, I almost got up to change the roll. I’m such a neat freak, it was driving me bonkers knowing that such a simple housekeeping task was left undone.  I resisted the urge, which naturally resulted in my body releasing a shit-load of stress hormones. Those stress hormones always let my brain know that it’s time for the crazy to come out and play. The crazy loves to drag me back in time to places and events that have gotten under my skin.

Last night the crazy made me revisit all the bathrooms I’ve been in where the toilet paper was either not on the dispenser, or it was positioned to unroll the wrong way. Yes, I am one of THOSE people. I judge the way you (un)roll. If I see that you do it wrong, I may never say anything to you, but I’ll never forget. Seriously, never. I’m incapable of letting it go.

Of course, the exploration of past toilet paper traumas didn’t stop there. I had to replay a relationship nightmare from almost 20 years ago. I once lived with a man who would take the paper off the dispenser and leave it, and the bar that goes inside the roll, on the bathroom counter. I don’t remember ever fighting about it, we really didn’t argue much, but I do remember having a conversation about it. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why he did it. Every. Freaking. Time. He. Took. A. Dump. When I asked him about it, he told me that it’s easier to use it when he’s holding the roll, and that was the end of the discussion. Why did I let that be the end of the discussion? It drove me mad, and I, like with so many other things that logically seemed too trivial to bother with, pretended like I it didn’t bother me at all. I just continued to quietly put it back on the roll while imagining myself kicking him in the nuts.

How in the name of God is can it possibly be easier to hold a roll of toilet paper while wiping your ass, than it is to not hold a roll of toilet paper while wiping your ass? And if it’s so easy to take it off the dispenser, why is too damn hard to put it back on? I was sooooo tempted to call him at 2:00am for clarification. I didn’t, but I can’t promise I won’t in the future.

This can’t be just about toilet paper. Can it? Why do I get so triggered by the stuff? How could I have allowed something so insane keep me up half the night?

Caturday, January 16th

depressed moe

Poor Moe. I hollered to him to let him know that it was time for his it was time for his Caturday photo, but he didn’t respond. After an exhaustive search of the house, I eventually found him in my sewing room, looking very depressed. Thankfully, his dark mood was short lived. He returned to his normal self as soon as the camera was put away.


We’re All Looking For The Same Thing

A couple of weeks ago, I watched a video on SoulPancake’s YouTube channel called, The Single Life | The Science of Love. I was moved to tears, and I still think about it all the time.

A handful of people were interviewed on camera, and an additional 45 people were interviewed off camera. They were asked if they would rather be single or in a relationship, what they were looking for in a partner, and what they thought other people were looking for in a partner.

“Not one person wanted to be single over being in a relationship.”

“We also learned that we are all looking for the same great qualities but we think we’re one of the only ones who is! Now unless we’re lucky enough that every participant we had is the saint of their social circle, something just doesn’t add up!”

I have to admit, it was only somewhat recently that I even began to entertain the idea that I’d ever find anyone else who was interested the same things I value. My default had always been to assume, until proven wrong, that the motive of others was to “use” me in some way. No friggin’ wonder I’ve been so “unlucky” in love, right?

I’m not really sure of why I started to question my old belief, but since I have, I’ve been feeling much more optimistic about the chances of me finding love. Seeing this video proved to me that my old way of thinking was wrong, and it caused me to sob like a baby. And… just when I thought I couldn’t cry any more, the people interviewed were asked to call a person they had feelings for. Holy, hell, that took guts, but it was all good in the end.

Last week, I was at a party. As usual, the women gathered in the livingroom, and the men gathered in the kitchen. Near the end of the night, I ventured into the kitchen for a snack, and was pleasantly surprised by the conversation taking place. The men were all saying the sweetest things about their wives. That, much like the video, choked me up, but thankfully, I was able to control the waterworks.